Sunday, October 28, 2012

Dear Matthew

Dear Matthew, 

I sure wish I stayed home today. 

When you came in our bed five minutes before the alarm clock was supposed to go off, I knew leaving would be tricky. 

 I should have stayed in bed snuggled up to your skinny, little, five-year-old body. It felt so good, and I felt a little whisper in my heart saying, "Just stay home today." But, like most mornings, I pushed it away. 

Things to do. Goals to reach for. 

I just want you to know that I love you more than any race, or training, or anything about running. 
Today I am sad I have been missing out on all your love. If I could, I would go back to this morning and do it all over again. 



  1. Oh boy. What an emotional post that I can relate to all too well... Maybe I'm emotional because it's marathon week but I KNOW this feeling and I have probably experienced this too much lately.

    Don't feel guilty. I'm sure he was snuggling sound asleep in bed. Focus on the fact that you got your workout in while the kids were asleep so you didn't have to miss any part of their day. :-)

  2. Aw. It's ok, Raina. You are a phenomenal mom. Any mom who chooses to homeschool is a hero in my book! You just needed *you* time, and that's ok.

    Maybe write this down and share it with him? (i.e. read it to him) A few weeks ago I wrote Evan a short "pep talk" letter after I scolded him for bringing home such an abysmal progress report. I felt bad when he went to bed that evening, so I jotted down a few things and told him that I know he can turn things around during the next grading period. He was very happy to get a sweet note from me in the morning. It was something tangible that he could see, and it let him know that even though I was very disappointed, I still loved him very much.

  3. The nice thing is that you can snuggle with the little 5 year old skinny body tomorrow and just pretend it was today:) And you have many many more snuggling days coming up your way. And many more races, mostly good, some bad, all OK though:) Thinking about you! Enjoy the snuggles, forget about the worries:)

  4. I know the feeling well. Our special needs son is so attached to me. When I leave to run or am gone to a race I feel so guilty! But my wife tells me I am a better dad when I run and Little "B" has to learn that dad will come back. Matthew will be a better person learning sacrifice, committment, goal setting and how to obtain those goals through hard work and persiverance. Besides,he already knows you LOVE him!

  5. I will remember this one.....I got 2 little ones here..
    thank you for sharing it.

    you should print this and save it for him.

  6. So sweet Raina! I love little boy cuddles. Once they're up and moving for the day the cuddling is all over. :)

  7. But one day, when Matthew is 17, he will come home from his state cross country meet and say: Mom, thank you for being the runner you are...I never would have been here today without you showing me what a wonderful world running is. I love to run.

    And I know he meant it.

    Maybe Matthew won't be a runner (or maybe he will :)), but he'll look up to his mom with pride that she accomplished something so incredibly difficult with her life by being tenacious and strong and driven. He'll remember!

  8. Really nice! I can relate as we left the kids at home and took a long weekend this past weekend for me to do my 3 day race. I wish I could take them all everywhere but it is just not possible. I always make up for it but still...

  9. 1. It's ok to exercise and train; you don't have to feel guilty.

    2. Just cos you didn't snuggle that little cutie this morning, doesn't mean you can't snuggle him tonight. Bedtime stories snuggled with The Mama are awwweeesome.

    3. The beauty of realizing you'd rather do something different is that next time you can do something different. Wisdom comes through experience. What a wonderful experience you had this morning!! It allowed you to realize that you'd rather snuggle than run sometimes (and sometimes it'd ok to run rather than snuggle). YAY for learning and growing! =)

    4. +1 Jill

    5. What a fabulous Mother you are. =)

  10. Been there. Done That. Good for you to recognize it and share it with him. You're a good Mommy.

  11. My little son was up with a wet bed right as I was walking out the door for my run. He looked up at me and said (and I could tell he was excited!), "Mommy! You're going for your run, aren't you?" And I knew he was proud of me!

    Do not worry! Your son is proud too!

    That was a sweet letter. I love when my son wants to cuddle. He's usually such a whirling dervish.

  12. Oh, a mothers guilt...I'm not sure it will ever end! Find peace in knowing that you got 5 minutes of pure cuddling love with Matthew...I'm am sure there are some mornings where he never finds his way to your bed...perhaps he had some way of knowing that was just what YOU BOTH needed ;)

    he is is a lucky little boy to have you in his life!

  13. That makes me want to cry. It's such a balancing act that we moms play each day. I'm sure that you are doing it very well. I always remind myself that I'm a better mom when I've taken care of myself.

  14. Now I want to cry as I think of my little 6 and 4 year olds with their skinny little bodies and how I love to snuggle them. I love when the guilt takes over and I drop it all to just spend extra time with them. I can't believe how fast time flies once you have kids.

  15. Phew, that was emotional. Sounds like a rough day, but I'd be willing to bet that it was harder on you than Matthew. Hope you're feeling better.

  16. ok. I'm trying to take deep breaths. :)
    I have a 5-year-old Matthew, too, so this hit a bit too close to home.
    The very fact that you felt the way you did should reinforce, in your mind, what an amazing mommy you are.

  17. It doesn't get any easier as you reflect back wondering if you made the right decisions. Have confidence that you are making the right decisions by training early in the morning while everybody is asleep instead of in the afternoon when they are awake. Your actions, although difficult, will ingrain in your kids that if you want something bad enough, you have to work hard at it. You are a great Mom.


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